Sunday, September 26, 2010

Answers and The Crossroads... Thisism, Thatism, ism ism ism.

It's difficult to find your path in life. Is it destiny or choice? Fate or freewill? I just don't know. I really don't think anyone knows. This is when faith in some religion would be totally heartening. I guess that's a challenge I'm just going to have to take on.

Looking back I have always been passionate about certain things:

-Seeing other people happy
-Story telling (i.e. theatre, literature, cinema, poetry)

It really is quite simple, the things that make me tick. Each of those four elements of who I am, however could be expanded in to a whole new world of analysis. That's where my mind is blown and I am left completely and utterly speechless, dumbfounded by the possibilities of life, how complex I really am and what exactly, is right.

Seeing other people happy.

This ranges from a simple smile to... yes, I'm saying it... world peace. I was taught that nothing is impossible. My ultimate goal in life, is to bring as much happiness to as many people as possible. I want wars to end. I want hunger to end. I want to change the world. It's preposterous, the conditions of some human beings, while other, like myself have so much. It's not fair or acceptable. If we were all more simple creatures, this could be so much easier. The truth is, that we are riddled with human emotion and that includes greed and jealousy. We are so complex. We experience egocentrism, we experience ethnocentrism. We fail to recognize that we are all complex creatures with minds that intertwine through emotion after emotion, pain and ecstasy. We are all crying out for help for one reason or another. The global need is infinite yet here I am, worried about getting cast in the next main-stage show at my university.

I used to act on this never ending pull to help others. When I was young I had such strong, unwavering beliefs and I would stand up for them to the death. I spoke up no matter what, and although I annoyed most of the people who surrounded me, at least I was myself, and vocalized what I thought was important, and that was all that mattered. I still have those opinions and morals residing somewhere inside myself, but I don't act and I rarely speak up. Have I let selfish desires overcome my life?

I have dreams of winning an academy award, yes, but when I picture myself with a life dedicated to making a difference... it looks like a happier future.

So, what now. Change my path in life? Do something? I am so bound to my current lifestyle, I have signed. Signed. Signed.


Love. The most simple of my passions. It is so mysterious, pure. The tongues of it's flames consume me. Love for my friends, love for my family, love for everyone I see, everyone I meet. It truly consumes me. I want the world to be doused in an overflowing sense of love for one another. Happiness would surely follow. Happiness for all. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Story Telling.

This is where I get caught up. Is it a passion that merely needs to be an aspect of my life? Or should it be completely consuming me, as it does now. Literature is powerful. Should it be my major course of study? I just don't know. The magic of hearing someone else's journey's is thrilling and liberating. It is one of the many gifts we have been blessed with, as humans. I love to partake in it, I love to become another person, and feel, truly feel the burdens that they bare. To learn total empathy. It is important. Total and complete empathy. To feel another's emotions, to fully understand their pain, or joy... whatever they may be feeling. It thrills me, it mystifies me. I take pleasure and pain in the art. I never want to stop acting.


The passion in music makes me tick, it entrances us all, it unifies us as a species.

So I am at a crossroads. Where do I go from here? What do I do from here. I'm not asking for answers, I am merely sharing my plight.

Shall I wait for some sign, continue this life that feels for some reason wrong? Is this a momentary lapse in faith of my path? Do we even have a path. Path? Choice. Choice? Path!

Thisism, thatism... ism ism ism.

Answers. Will they ever come?

I just want to learn. I want to put all of this out of my mind and learn learn. I wish I knew so much more than I do now. Life is such a wild, untamable, unpredictable mystery and it challenges us all to find a specific set of beliefs. I just want to learn, and use that knowledge to make as many people happy as possible.

Self-discovery is a road in itself.
Who am I?
Who are any of us?
Well... Who's to say?

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