Answers and The Crossroads... Thisism, Thatism, ism ism ism.

It's difficult to find your path in life. Is it destiny or choice? Fate or freewill? I just don't know. I really don't think anyone knows. This is when faith in some religion would be totally heartening. I guess that's a challenge I'm just going to have to take on.

Looking back I have always been passionate about certain things:

-Seeing other people happy

-Love

-Story telling (i.e. theatre, literature, cinema, poetry)

-Music

It really is quite simple, the things that make me tick. Each of those four elements of who I am, however could be expanded in to a whole new world of analysis. That's where my mind is blown and I am left completely and utterly speechless, dumbfounded by the possibilities of life, how complex I really am and what exactly, is right.

Seeing other people happy.

This ranges from a simple smile to... yes, I'm saying it... world peace. I was taught that nothing is impossible. My ultimate goal in life, is to bring as much happiness to as many people as possible. I want wars to end. I want hunger to end. I want to change the world. It's preposterous, the conditions of some human beings, while other, like myself have so much. It's not fair or acceptable. If we were all more simple creatures, this could be so much easier. The truth is, that we are riddled with human emotion and that includes greed and jealousy. We are so complex. We experience egocentrism, we experience ethnocentrism. We fail to recognize that we are all complex creatures with minds that intertwine through emotion after emotion, pain and ecstasy. We are all crying out for help for one reason or another. The global need is infinite yet here I am, worried about getting cast in the next main-stage show at my university.

I used to act on this never ending pull to help others. When I was young I had such strong, unwavering beliefs and I would stand up for them to the death. I spoke up no matter what, and although I annoyed most of the people who surrounded me, at least I was myself, and vocalized what I thought was important, and that was all that mattered. I still have those opinions and morals residing somewhere inside myself, but I don't act and I rarely speak up. Have I let selfish desires overcome my life?

I have dreams of winning an academy award, yes, but when I picture myself with a life dedicated to making a difference... it looks like a happier future.

So, what now. Change my path in life? Do something? I am so bound to my current lifestyle, I have signed. Signed. Signed.

Love.

Love. The most simple of my passions. It is so mysterious, pure. The tongues of it's flames consume me. Love for my friends, love for my family, love for everyone I see, everyone I meet. It truly consumes me. I want the world to be doused in an overflowing sense of love for one another. Happiness would surely follow. Happiness for all. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Story Telling.

This is where I get caught up. Is it a passion that merely needs to be an aspect of my life? Or should it be completely consuming me, as it does now. Literature is powerful. Should it be my major course of study? I just don't know. The magic of hearing someone else's journey's is thrilling and liberating. It is one of the many gifts we have been blessed with, as humans. I love to partake in it, I love to become another person, and feel, truly feel the burdens that they bare. To learn total empathy. It is important. Total and complete empathy. To feel another's emotions, to fully understand their pain, or joy... whatever they may be feeling. It thrills me, it mystifies me. I take pleasure and pain in the art. I never want to stop acting.

Music.

The passion in music makes me tick, it entrances us all, it unifies us as a species.

So I am at a crossroads. Where do I go from here? What do I do from here. I'm not asking for answers, I am merely sharing my plight.

Shall I wait for some sign, continue this life that feels for some reason wrong? Is this a momentary lapse in faith of my path? Do we even have a path. Path? Choice. Choice? Path!

Destiny.

Choice.

Destiny.

Choice.

Thisism, thatism... ism ism ism.

Answers. Will they ever come?

I just want to learn. I want to put all of this out of my mind and learn learn. I wish I knew so much more than I do now. Life is such a wild, untamable, unpredictable mystery and it challenges us all to find a specific set of beliefs. I just want to learn, and use that knowledge to make as many people happy as possible.

Self-discovery is a road in itself.

Who am I?

Who are any of us?

Well... Who's to say?

Someday

When I'm older, I'll tell those young gypsies about warm nights on Telegraph, sweet treats, friends, lovers and the Rolling Stones. Can't you hear me knockin?

Literature of love

I often see myself as this woman. Simply enjoying the pleasures of life, and observing how others connect.

A smattering of thoughts on love:

When I was young, I used to slip into a dream like reverie, envisioning myself falling in love and getting swept off my feet, embarking on an endless journey of fascinating, challenging adventures with my man, saving the world with nothing but each other. Love burning with heat and passion of the sun. When things get hard and painful, the hurt would never matter because we would have each other and that would be enough.

As life has gone on, I have lost a lot of the faith I had when I was young. Faith in the church, faith that Harry Potter was real and that my letter would come by owl post calling me away to conquer the dark arts, faith in true flawless love.

I see examples of pure love in some others, but I see it quite rarely. I believe true love, with one's soulmate is an occasion that doesn't happen all too often.

Sometimes it feels like I am alone in a theatre, watching others relationships, watching others explore romantic connections, but never participating myself. I wonder if I will ever explore that realm of humanity.

The truth is, my emotions have just recently been reignited. I was blank and numb for so long. I couldn't feel anything strong with the exception of fear. Now things are changing. I have reawakened in the last year. My fear and paranoia has ceased or at the least, is ceasing. I am open to trying new things. To taking expeditions, to leave my shelter with no pretense of where I could end up. My lust for life has finally begun to return. What could have made this possible?

I feel the most deep and intense love when I'm reading. My vision of love was created by reading. I feel so closely connected to characters in books. I learned friendship, loyalty, compassion, strength, courage and a plethora of other lessons through reading. Most of my vocabulary is thanks to reading. My mother had a lot to do with it as well. Thank god for the written word. I encourage everyone to read. Everyday read. Literature is a blessing.

All faith is not lost. I am still open minded. To religion, to magic, to love. My re-ignition has caused me to take a closer look. You are beautiful. Life is beautiful.

Glamour

60's Glamour:

Face -

Basic corrective [Ben Nye]:

Foundation PK-1/PK-2

Highlighter CH-0

Shadow CS-3

Powder MP-1

Eye -

Inner line - Sephora - 03 Pure White

Outter line - Loreal - 108 Black

Brow Highlighter/Under eye highlighter - Benefit - Perfect 10

Brow -

Pencil [Ben Nye] EP-4

Cheek -

Benefit - Papa Don't Peach

Lips -

Foundation - PK-1

Powder residue +

Gloss - Smashbox - Clear

Drugstore glasses with DUO cement lash glue

YEAH STAGE MAKEUP

Beauteous and bohemian world.

The mountains today were as clear as my bay.

I could see each individual tree, and the shadows of them all.

I could see each individual speck of dirt.

I could reach out and touch and feel the mountain.

Grasping hold of it, clinging for dear life as it helped me ignite.

The view was breathtaking and unreal. Surreal. Impossible.

Pristine. The definition of clarity and perfection.

Beauty in it's raw and original form.

Every day I seem to make, more love for these mountains.

They help me to create, to initiate.

To introduce.

To make the juice, flow.

It used to be the water.

The sparkle of the sun resonating in my soul,

reflecting off the ocean.

Sand and coast.

Bridges and ferries.

Canyons of skyscrapers.

Large gray towers of business.

Large gray construction sites.

Large gray attitudes.

Beautiful in it's element.

And beauty could always be found with in the large gray everything

And surrounding the large gray everything.

I loved and love the large gray everything.

But now I know there's more.

Red rock canyons.

Crisp, clean air.

Splendid raucous waterfalls

Serene streams.

Sun and

clarity, clarity, clarity.

The scent of barbecue, and

Rich cabernet sauvignon, and

the late midnight breeze as I sit on the balcony.

Small, soft white lights

The sound of a drum, of a guitar, of beautiful voice and song.

Velvety, etherial, depth awakens with these triggers.

Praising the universe for my never ending

blessings.

For the people.

The places.

For the education.

For the recreation.

The relaxation.

And the love.

Things I'm going to teach my children.

Buy local. Buy organic. Ride your bike. Walk. Listen to The Beatles, Sublime, Nirvana, Blink 182. Try to see the world from someone else's perspective. Try to see the world from ANY different perspective. Pay close attention to the sounds that surround you. Pay close attention to the scents that surround you. Be aware of your surroundings in general. Don't wear a bra everyday. Read things that challenge you. Watch things that challenge you. Love thy neighbor. Love one another. Choose the right. Feel the sun on your face. Enjoy the breeze across your cheek. Enjoy the simple things. Pretend you're living in a different era, a different decade, a different generation. Get lost in a story. Make eye contact with others. Smile at people. Try to connect to those you come across in life. Stand up for what you believe in. Imagine a world where everyone is at peace. Love John and Yoko. Never lose faith in your dreams. Love unconditionally. Don't regret falling in love. Put one hundred percent of yourself in to the music you love, in to the movies you love, and in to the craft that you love. Don't be afraid to go after what ever it is you want to achieve, no matter when you decide you want it. Don't preach (haha). Feel remorse. Feel pain, channel it towards something positive. Fall in love. Take pictures. Listen to Regina Spektor. Travel the world. Help others. Notice when people need help and take action. Learn by watching others. Let others inspire you. Go hiking. Make spontaneous decisions. Listen to your intuition. Believe.

Exhaustion in all forms takes its toll

Sometimes, when I hear the wind howl,

It feels like it's blowing right through me.

Swooping and swooshing inside and out,

Through the intricate curves of my body,

Through the winding trail of my conscience.

There's nothing there to collide,

Nothing to block the icy draft.

No substance to act as a barrier,

Against the tossing tempest.

Innards sculpted into a howling tunnel,

A disposition of emptiness.

Where has the passion gone?

Fortunate

It is not impossible, to get into the mindset of being one with the nature that surrounds us.

I had the honor and pleasure of joining a very special family on a beautiful hike this morning. I can't decide if the hike itself, or watching this loving family spend time together was more special.

Today, I am truly and purely grateful for this spectacularly breathtaking part of the globe that I live in and for the people who make it so beautiful.

A combination of the sun, the clear water, the foliage, and the people have made me experience emotions that words cannot describe. A sense of tranquility and passion for these aspects of this experience now overcome me as the day winds down. I look forward to many days like this in the future.

I wish to harness this overwhelming sense of joy and peace, and apply it to my everyday lifestyle, though I know that will be difficult without all the help I received today. I know that I can always return to this memory when I am feeling sorry for myself. It will be a reminder of all that I have, and of all there is to be a part of.

I feel great love and peace and joy for the earth and for the family I had the pleasure to be with today. The combination of it all has quite overwhelmed me. I feel in a way I haven't felt since I was a young child and it is beautiful.

Coffee. Is sensual.

So usually I use this blog to spew thoughts and opinions I am passionate about. That's because, understandably and justifiably, people don't necessarily want to hear me bitch and moan about my strong views on factory farming, war and religion. Totally understandable. But the truth is, I am FULL of these opinions and I am constantly bursting to get them out. So, dear readers, bare with me, if you choose.

Today, I want to talk about coffee. Coffee. My one and only vice... well, that may not be exactly true... however...

I love coffee.

Coffee, to me is the equivalent of butterbeer. The effects of warm, pure, raw comfort are the same. Its sensual qualities are more than just taste. Coffee, with its rich history, runs deeper than momentary satisfaction. A drink's effects can last one all day.

Coffee is said to have been discovered in the early ninth century. However, it wasn't documented or highly popular until around the fifteenth century. That's not to say it wasn't being used before that. Since the dawn of time (another embellishment), coffee has been used in societies as a ritual in both religious, sociological and personal manners. It has been unifying humans for centuries and centuries. The coffee bean has created a revolution of rituals for a great percentage of our world's population.

Coffee can be prepared in so many ways. Next to alcohol, it is one of the most versatile ingredients a beverage can offer. Latte, mocha, caffe americano, macchiato, frappe, iced, hot, drip-brewed, cappuccino. Coffee can have rich, deep flavor. It can be light and frothy. It can be saccharine, bitter, or right in between. It's variety and adaptability is almost unfathomable.

Coffee, like many other indulgent things in our lives, has its health pros and cons. Caffeine, as we all know, is a stimulant and while it has a few good properties, like helping relieve menstrual cramps, it also has a few negative affects. We all know these, for instance, it is a quite an expensive habit to have. It isn't cocaine... but it does add up. This note is about the wonderful aspects of coffee, however, so we aren't going to go any further in to the negative qualities. I just wanted to acknowledge them before moving on.

Sipping on one of these delicious beverages always gives me such a sense of comfort. Especially when I indulge with a friend. The unifying sense of companionship and love that accompanies a trip to the coffeehouse with a friend is... incomprehensible. Nothing can compare.

My Indulgent espresso drinks of choice:

-Iced soy chai tea latte

-Iced soy toffee mocha

-Iced soy pumpkin spice latte

-Soy green tea latte

Yes.

Thank you coffee, for uniting our society, for bringing comfort to our type A lives, and for warming us with your sweet, rich aromas from the inside out.

War.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Composition Numero Uno

One think I noticed quite recently. Not noticed, rediscovered, is that human interaction is the single most vital and necessary aspect of life. It effects everything we feel. Everything we do. It effects who we are.

Human interaction can build a life the size of the Pyramids, or crumble it in to a ruin greater than those of Pompeii. Although I often feel weary of the ruining aspect, I love those small, building moments that can honestly and truly carry on with you for the rest of your life. I have been blessed with many of these.

There are, a special brand of these building moments that have proven to be the most powerful of all. Those involving an unwavering, never failing thing called love. They can happen with a stranger or a best friend, but those are the kind I have found to last forever. The kind that stick with you until the day of passing.

Life is just a compilation of all these interactions. The building and the ruining. The making and the breaking. We, however are the ones who get to choose how they affect us. Every interaction can be a building one. We are humans, though, and we feel pain and sorrow, so it is only inevitable that we will take interactions as ruin. Even ones that were meant to build us up.

It's so incredible how the exchange with a complete stranger can change the course of your life, or the way that you think. This has happened to me a few times in the past twelve months. It even seems that the horrible communications I have had with people have led to the most brilliant up lifting moments with others.

I feel blessed. Blessed to know you, whoever you are, dear reader. I hope your interaction with what I have had to say will build you up.