My roots.

Take it back. Back. All the way back.

If it's on your brain mayne, gon get it off your chest.

It's mind over money, murder and matter,

Town business it's knocka tremendous.

C'mon let's take it back, back all the way back.

I make my dreams come true, people ask me what it do.

I go from country to country and state to state got to stay on top of my game so I see it straight

It's my life, say hello to my life.

It's been a while but I'm here to stay.

None of these haters gonna make me stray from my life.

Say hello to my life.

Ooh, who you loyal to?

Loyal to my SOIL.

Thank you, Ana.

"It’s utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness, I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more. It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart."

-An excerpt from the diary of Annelies Marie Frank , July 15, 1944

Thank you, Ana. . Thank you for moving us all. You truly do go on living.

Blood and guts can sometimes be fun...

GORE

DAY

So, Hayden here, with the burns, was my final and graded victim, and Steve, with the black eye and no burns was my practice gore victim. I think they look pretty beautiful myself. It took a lot of hard work, research and planning to get these techniques refined, and I still have a lot to learn, but I had a lot of fun and feel more knowledgeable than I did. You can never fully appreciate the extensive amount of work and intricate skill an art takes until you try learning it for yourself. Makeup is a very precise art. It takes research, knowledge of human anatomy, and endless hours worth of practice to learn how to contour a face to achieve a certain effect. I admire the people who have truly mastered this craft.

Hayden's story: Lieutenant Hayden, of the Cedar City Fire Department was on the roof of a burning building attempting to assess the roofs safety for collapse as the department worked to quell the flames within the building. All of a sudden, a backdraft swept Lt. Hess off his feet and slammed him face first into a chimney, causing the two inch gap in his forehead. He ended up with third degree burns covering the right side of his face, and a gruesome gash on the left side of his forehead.

**This isn't meant to poke fun at the horrible danger firefighters endure, or the enumerable backdraft accidents that have caused so much pain in firefighter's families. My father was a firefighter for thirty years and I respect and understand the seriousness of backdraft incidents. I merely needed a story for each of my victims**

Steven's Story: ...Well, an assortment of things happened to Steven here. It was practice day and I wanted to try out as many possible techniques as possible, so the story his makeup tells doesn't make much sense, and is very strange. Back to the story. Steven was run over by a car. He was hit full on, dragged for a bit and then was left in the road (you can't see in the pictures too well, but there is crushed asphalt in his wounds). All of a sudden, out of no where, a hobo smoking a cigar ran over to him, laughed in his face, and then gave him a cigar burn on the right side of his cheek. Needless to say, it wasn't Steven's best day.

My putty work on Steve wasn't to great, but it improved with Hayden. A few more tries with a few new tricks and I think I'll be able blend it into the skin and have the final product be inscrutable!

Thank you.

"It's never good to live in the past too long. As for the future, it doesn't seem so scary any more. It can be whatever I want it to be. And who's to say this isn't what happens. Who's to say my fantasies wont come true. Just this once."

Life, the oblivion.

So reminiscent in these last few hours. I can't think of anything but waves crashing against my hometown's coast. The lights coming from the city, so romantic and sensual. The ocean breeze rolling in to the bay. The Embarcadero all lit up at Christmas time. Icy winds, long endless nights, the Christmas tree at Union Square, the scent of pine needles and someone baking a special treat, fancy outings, family and friends. I miss my home and all I want to do is return to that cozy perfect atmosphere. Just like The Burrow at Christmas. I want to return home. To my bed. Where none of the stress and struggles of finding myself will haunt me. I know who I am there. I don't know who I am here. I'm lost here. Every time I think I make a discovery it is in vain, I am wrong.

Last week I had a major identity crisis. I didn't get cast in a show I was so excited for, and had done a LOT of preparation for the audition. It wasn't even that I didn't get cast, I didn't even get called back. I was the only classical acting BFA to not get called back. That might not sound like a big deal to any one who doesn't understand the severity of that, but it's really really fucking embarrassing and really disheartening. It seemed as though my life was nothing more than a never ceasing chain of disappointment after disappointment. The only thing consistent in my life seemed to be rejection. It hurt, so badly. I did nothing but barricade myself in my room for two days (how productive) and wallow in self pity. I vowed to give up theatre and change the direction of my schooling. That being said, I don't think I will. Also for the record, the people who got the roles deserved it and will make for a GREAT show.

I still just don't know who I really am, and I'm confused about JUST about everything. I feel pain and embarrassment, disappointment and dissatisfaction. That being said, yesterday was the greatest day of my life. I filmed The Hunger Games, and I played the role of Rue. I felt so connected with my character, and being in front of a camera reassured me. It felt so good to be out in the mountains at 6:30am, freezing my ass off. I have never felt that kind of cold in my life. At one point I was covered in a blood concoction, lying in the dirt for almost an hour. The cold pierced my skin and my soul, and I had NEVER felt that brand of pain before. But I wouldn't have rather been anywhere else. I felt lucky that I had a warm bath to go home to. My character, did not. It was incredible to understand and empathize with Rue, and I think it helped me embody her suffering. I want to do this for the rest of my life. Acting in front of a camera, and acting on stage feel very different. I felt so liberated yesterday and it is reaffirming to have that experience.

It's amazing, all that you can do. It's amazing, makes my heart sing. Now it's up to you.

I can't wait to get in front of a camera again and feel that spiritually awakening emotion that telling another characters story brings.

Oh my body and my mind is so full of a million emotions. I can't control them. I'm whirring into an oblivion. I guess I'll have to see where this oblivion takes me.