Sunday, October 10, 2010

Life, the oblivion.

So reminiscent in these last few hours. I can't think of anything but waves crashing against my hometown's coast. The lights coming from the city, so romantic and sensual. The ocean breeze rolling in to the bay. The Embarcadero all lit up at Christmas time. Icy winds, long endless nights, the Christmas tree at Union Square, the scent of pine needles and someone baking a special treat, fancy outings, family and friends. I miss my home and all I want to do is return to that cozy perfect atmosphere. Just like The Burrow at Christmas. I want to return home. To my bed. Where none of the stress and struggles of finding myself will haunt me. I know who I am there. I don't know who I am here. I'm lost here. Every time I think I make a discovery it is in vain, I am wrong.

Last week I had a major identity crisis. I didn't get cast in a show I was so excited for, and had done a LOT of preparation for the audition. It wasn't even that I didn't get cast, I didn't even get called back. I was the only classical acting BFA to not get called back. That might not sound like a big deal to any one who doesn't understand the severity of that, but it's really really fucking embarrassing and really disheartening. It seemed as though my life was nothing more than a never ceasing chain of disappointment after disappointment. The only thing consistent in my life seemed to be rejection. It hurt, so badly. I did nothing but barricade myself in my room for two days (how productive) and wallow in self pity. I vowed to give up theatre and change the direction of my schooling. That being said, I don't think I will. Also for the record, the people who got the roles deserved it and will make for a GREAT show.

I still just don't know who I really am, and I'm confused about JUST about everything. I feel pain and embarrassment, disappointment and dissatisfaction. That being said, yesterday was the greatest day of my life. I filmed The Hunger Games, and I played the role of Rue. I felt so connected with my character, and being in front of a camera reassured me. It felt so good to be out in the mountains at 6:30am, freezing my ass off. I have never felt that kind of cold in my life. At one point I was covered in a blood concoction, lying in the dirt for almost an hour. The cold pierced my skin and my soul, and I had NEVER felt that brand of pain before. But I wouldn't have rather been anywhere else. I felt lucky that I had a warm bath to go home to. My character, did not. It was incredible to understand and empathize with Rue, and I think it helped me embody her suffering. I want to do this for the rest of my life. Acting in front of a camera, and acting on stage feel very different. I felt so liberated yesterday and it is reaffirming to have that experience.

It's amazing, all that you can do. It's amazing, makes my heart sing. Now it's up to you.

I can't wait to get in front of a camera again and feel that spiritually awakening emotion that telling another characters story brings.

Oh my body and my mind is so full of a million emotions. I can't control them. I'm whirring into an oblivion. I guess I'll have to see where this oblivion takes me.

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