Fuck you! Fuck you very very much.

I am so incredibly tired of being disappointed over and over again.

I'm so incredibly sick of not having a real family.

I have never and will never be enough for them.

I can do no right.

The only thing consistent in my life is disappointment and I'm sick of it perpetuating my life time and time again.

I don't believe I will ever be enough for anyone.

I'm always second best.

Always second choice.

I can't live like this any more, but I don't know what kind of change to make to bring happiness to my life.

I'm sick of waiting to be loved in return.

I honestly don't think I'll ever be loved in return.

Growing up in this cracked, fucked up, disintegrated home has taught me to have low expectations of love.

And yet I still fall in to it. Always with someone who couldn't care less about me.

I'm just so sick and tired of disappointment haunting every corner and darkening every shred of hope in my heart.

Shit man.

I try to dance it off.

I try to clean it off.

I try to party it off.

But I just can't shake this feeling.

It's cold.

I'm cold. However, life gets better.

Things are shitty.

But things are good.

It's not black or white right now.

A strange shade of dim, slate grey.

In the forefront of my mind sits

Family

Education

Recent conquests

The leak in the pipes upstairs

Heartbreak

Violation

Beauty

Weather

Regrets

Upcoming adventures

Memorization

Dreams and goals

Loss

It all races in and out in a blur of color.

Mostly yellow, and that strange shade of grey.

Neutrality? I don't think grey is a symbol of neutrality. Quite the contrary. I believe grey is full of so many whirring emotions. I believe it has multiple facets, meanings and purposes.

I think grey is beautiful.

The YES can cure everything?

I think I know the answer.

I used to be so happy and content with myself....

When I was dancing and playing.

Things are in the shitter, yep. That's for damn sure.

But there is such light in the thought of dancing.

So fuck it. Fuck it all. I'm going to start dancing again. I'm going to dance every day. No matter what. That's the promise I'm making myself nos. I'm going to

Stretch

Dance

Stunt

Cheer

Choreograph

Compose

Play

DANCE.

Fuck yes dude. I do not have to give up cheer, or piano, or guitar just because I'm studying theatre.

Get ready Bay Area, get ready Southern Utah, get ready Las Vegas, get ready Salt Lake City. Because I'm coming in champion style. Beast mode. I'm taking the raw scraps I have and turning them in to a masterpiece and I'm going to rock this fucking world. With my goddam piano, with my goddam guitar and with my goddam BODY. Get ready for a big fucking change.

I was never happier, or more confident or sexier then when I was dancing.

I don't need anyone to validate me. All I need is my instruments. All three of them.

So here it is. I'm making a comeback. Try and stop me.

It's gonna be huge.

MAKE THE LOVE. PAINT THE PICTURE. WRITE THE SONG.

Fuck. FUCK. FUCK.

Shit has been so fucked up lately.

I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.

Where do I put all of this.

The only thing that makes sense, is what Slug says.

No happy ending, always off to a bad start.

Addictive.

And if I could show you, you would never leave it.

FUCK.

Fuck is the only word I can muster or hear or handle.

so

fuck

fuck

I don't know where to put all of this excruciating fucking pain.

Enough to put my name behind my ideals and neglect my logic twice daily.

Never.

Never.

MAKE THE LOVE. PAINT THE PICTURE. WRITE THE SONG.

NOT MY JOB

Dre rock the jewelry with the clear stones
And get on a nigga head like some earphones
I finna spit it, with a clear tone
Get yo attention, the biggest thang since the T.V. invention
Dope as yola, I'm a big shot, a show off
Plus I'm a big pimp, I get tow off
Fuck a good job, she need a good jaw
And sell BJ's until her mouth get raw
I'm from the California coast, beaches and bridges
Hit the cot, get ghost, no more sleepin' wit bitches
I got a coughnut, sittin' on wires
On Vogues bitch, not Michellin tires
Can't control my desires, I buy from Nordstroms not Fred Myers
Do a lot of weed, love my supplier
She keep it, fuck the blood out my supplier
Man I'm bigger than life, I do it Magnum
And bout these broke bitches, I'm through with havin' em'
Dre bogard, he shove and he push
And start war for nothin' like G.W. Bush
We be lovin' the kush, but only in the backwood
It ain't a backwood, it ain't all that good
I'm from the streets, where most need heat
But I slice a nigga up like some roast beef meat



I can bust you a rap, but anything else, not my job
I peel ya cap back, but anything else, not my job
I get ya for racks, but anything else, not my job
I make you a slap, but anything else, not my job


Bitch gon ask me to come with her to grocery shop
I told her straight up like this, "no siree bob!"
That's not my job, I don't do that
I'm a pimp slash rapper, I thought you knew that
And where yo dude at, should I serve em' the news
And let him know you finna be walkin' in some brand new shoes
Ooh, you a fool, gotta watch thy self
One false move, and you could stop thy self
Sometimes I'm not myself, I'm another man
I'm a rockstar, in another band
Plus I'm the man with plan in his hands
Soon we'll all be playing in sand
Cause to my estimations, and calculations
And all the money I made off the Rompalation
I finna get as many didgets that's on my license plate
I shit on some of these midgets bitch I can't wait


When I dip, they trip off what Furl dressed in
Plus I got a mouth full girl's best friends
I'm a back to the future new game kind of nigga
Y'all lames is plain, drinkin' the same kind of liquor
Wearin' the same kind of clothes, fuckin' the same kind of clothes
And you bedrock pimpin', meanin' yo games kind of old
You don't want it with me, I'll bother ya
So get lost pal, before I clobber ya
I got golden gloves, I give ya a new look
With stiff left and a sharp right hook
Niggaz know snitches, they ride and they go with them
It's all gravy, as long as they don't tell on them
Me and my team, see we a machine
Fuck with my mans, and I'ma have to intervene
I'ma sporco, and a sauncho
Always lookin' out for Benny Blanco

Maybe there's a god above,

But all I ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody

Who out drew you.

It's not a cry that you hear at night,

And it's not someone who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken

Hallelujah.

My roots.

Take it back. Back. All the way back.

If it's on your brain mayne, gon get it off your chest.

It's mind over money, murder and matter,

Town business it's knocka tremendous.

C'mon let's take it back, back all the way back.

I make my dreams come true, people ask me what it do.

I go from country to country and state to state got to stay on top of my game so I see it straight

It's my life, say hello to my life.

It's been a while but I'm here to stay.

None of these haters gonna make me stray from my life.

Say hello to my life.

Ooh, who you loyal to?

Loyal to my SOIL.

Thank you, Ana.

"It’s utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness, I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more. It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart."

-An excerpt from the diary of Annelies Marie Frank , July 15, 1944

Thank you, Ana. . Thank you for moving us all. You truly do go on living.

Blood and guts can sometimes be fun...

GORE

DAY

So, Hayden here, with the burns, was my final and graded victim, and Steve, with the black eye and no burns was my practice gore victim. I think they look pretty beautiful myself. It took a lot of hard work, research and planning to get these techniques refined, and I still have a lot to learn, but I had a lot of fun and feel more knowledgeable than I did. You can never fully appreciate the extensive amount of work and intricate skill an art takes until you try learning it for yourself. Makeup is a very precise art. It takes research, knowledge of human anatomy, and endless hours worth of practice to learn how to contour a face to achieve a certain effect. I admire the people who have truly mastered this craft.

Hayden's story: Lieutenant Hayden, of the Cedar City Fire Department was on the roof of a burning building attempting to assess the roofs safety for collapse as the department worked to quell the flames within the building. All of a sudden, a backdraft swept Lt. Hess off his feet and slammed him face first into a chimney, causing the two inch gap in his forehead. He ended up with third degree burns covering the right side of his face, and a gruesome gash on the left side of his forehead.

**This isn't meant to poke fun at the horrible danger firefighters endure, or the enumerable backdraft accidents that have caused so much pain in firefighter's families. My father was a firefighter for thirty years and I respect and understand the seriousness of backdraft incidents. I merely needed a story for each of my victims**

Steven's Story: ...Well, an assortment of things happened to Steven here. It was practice day and I wanted to try out as many possible techniques as possible, so the story his makeup tells doesn't make much sense, and is very strange. Back to the story. Steven was run over by a car. He was hit full on, dragged for a bit and then was left in the road (you can't see in the pictures too well, but there is crushed asphalt in his wounds). All of a sudden, out of no where, a hobo smoking a cigar ran over to him, laughed in his face, and then gave him a cigar burn on the right side of his cheek. Needless to say, it wasn't Steven's best day.

My putty work on Steve wasn't to great, but it improved with Hayden. A few more tries with a few new tricks and I think I'll be able blend it into the skin and have the final product be inscrutable!

Thank you.

"It's never good to live in the past too long. As for the future, it doesn't seem so scary any more. It can be whatever I want it to be. And who's to say this isn't what happens. Who's to say my fantasies wont come true. Just this once."

Life, the oblivion.

So reminiscent in these last few hours. I can't think of anything but waves crashing against my hometown's coast. The lights coming from the city, so romantic and sensual. The ocean breeze rolling in to the bay. The Embarcadero all lit up at Christmas time. Icy winds, long endless nights, the Christmas tree at Union Square, the scent of pine needles and someone baking a special treat, fancy outings, family and friends. I miss my home and all I want to do is return to that cozy perfect atmosphere. Just like The Burrow at Christmas. I want to return home. To my bed. Where none of the stress and struggles of finding myself will haunt me. I know who I am there. I don't know who I am here. I'm lost here. Every time I think I make a discovery it is in vain, I am wrong.

Last week I had a major identity crisis. I didn't get cast in a show I was so excited for, and had done a LOT of preparation for the audition. It wasn't even that I didn't get cast, I didn't even get called back. I was the only classical acting BFA to not get called back. That might not sound like a big deal to any one who doesn't understand the severity of that, but it's really really fucking embarrassing and really disheartening. It seemed as though my life was nothing more than a never ceasing chain of disappointment after disappointment. The only thing consistent in my life seemed to be rejection. It hurt, so badly. I did nothing but barricade myself in my room for two days (how productive) and wallow in self pity. I vowed to give up theatre and change the direction of my schooling. That being said, I don't think I will. Also for the record, the people who got the roles deserved it and will make for a GREAT show.

I still just don't know who I really am, and I'm confused about JUST about everything. I feel pain and embarrassment, disappointment and dissatisfaction. That being said, yesterday was the greatest day of my life. I filmed The Hunger Games, and I played the role of Rue. I felt so connected with my character, and being in front of a camera reassured me. It felt so good to be out in the mountains at 6:30am, freezing my ass off. I have never felt that kind of cold in my life. At one point I was covered in a blood concoction, lying in the dirt for almost an hour. The cold pierced my skin and my soul, and I had NEVER felt that brand of pain before. But I wouldn't have rather been anywhere else. I felt lucky that I had a warm bath to go home to. My character, did not. It was incredible to understand and empathize with Rue, and I think it helped me embody her suffering. I want to do this for the rest of my life. Acting in front of a camera, and acting on stage feel very different. I felt so liberated yesterday and it is reaffirming to have that experience.

It's amazing, all that you can do. It's amazing, makes my heart sing. Now it's up to you.

I can't wait to get in front of a camera again and feel that spiritually awakening emotion that telling another characters story brings.

Oh my body and my mind is so full of a million emotions. I can't control them. I'm whirring into an oblivion. I guess I'll have to see where this oblivion takes me.

Answers and The Crossroads... Thisism, Thatism, ism ism ism.

It's difficult to find your path in life. Is it destiny or choice? Fate or freewill? I just don't know. I really don't think anyone knows. This is when faith in some religion would be totally heartening. I guess that's a challenge I'm just going to have to take on.

Looking back I have always been passionate about certain things:

-Seeing other people happy

-Love

-Story telling (i.e. theatre, literature, cinema, poetry)

-Music

It really is quite simple, the things that make me tick. Each of those four elements of who I am, however could be expanded in to a whole new world of analysis. That's where my mind is blown and I am left completely and utterly speechless, dumbfounded by the possibilities of life, how complex I really am and what exactly, is right.

Seeing other people happy.

This ranges from a simple smile to... yes, I'm saying it... world peace. I was taught that nothing is impossible. My ultimate goal in life, is to bring as much happiness to as many people as possible. I want wars to end. I want hunger to end. I want to change the world. It's preposterous, the conditions of some human beings, while other, like myself have so much. It's not fair or acceptable. If we were all more simple creatures, this could be so much easier. The truth is, that we are riddled with human emotion and that includes greed and jealousy. We are so complex. We experience egocentrism, we experience ethnocentrism. We fail to recognize that we are all complex creatures with minds that intertwine through emotion after emotion, pain and ecstasy. We are all crying out for help for one reason or another. The global need is infinite yet here I am, worried about getting cast in the next main-stage show at my university.

I used to act on this never ending pull to help others. When I was young I had such strong, unwavering beliefs and I would stand up for them to the death. I spoke up no matter what, and although I annoyed most of the people who surrounded me, at least I was myself, and vocalized what I thought was important, and that was all that mattered. I still have those opinions and morals residing somewhere inside myself, but I don't act and I rarely speak up. Have I let selfish desires overcome my life?

I have dreams of winning an academy award, yes, but when I picture myself with a life dedicated to making a difference... it looks like a happier future.

So, what now. Change my path in life? Do something? I am so bound to my current lifestyle, I have signed. Signed. Signed.

Love.

Love. The most simple of my passions. It is so mysterious, pure. The tongues of it's flames consume me. Love for my friends, love for my family, love for everyone I see, everyone I meet. It truly consumes me. I want the world to be doused in an overflowing sense of love for one another. Happiness would surely follow. Happiness for all. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Story Telling.

This is where I get caught up. Is it a passion that merely needs to be an aspect of my life? Or should it be completely consuming me, as it does now. Literature is powerful. Should it be my major course of study? I just don't know. The magic of hearing someone else's journey's is thrilling and liberating. It is one of the many gifts we have been blessed with, as humans. I love to partake in it, I love to become another person, and feel, truly feel the burdens that they bare. To learn total empathy. It is important. Total and complete empathy. To feel another's emotions, to fully understand their pain, or joy... whatever they may be feeling. It thrills me, it mystifies me. I take pleasure and pain in the art. I never want to stop acting.

Music.

The passion in music makes me tick, it entrances us all, it unifies us as a species.

So I am at a crossroads. Where do I go from here? What do I do from here. I'm not asking for answers, I am merely sharing my plight.

Shall I wait for some sign, continue this life that feels for some reason wrong? Is this a momentary lapse in faith of my path? Do we even have a path. Path? Choice. Choice? Path!

Destiny.

Choice.

Destiny.

Choice.

Thisism, thatism... ism ism ism.

Answers. Will they ever come?

I just want to learn. I want to put all of this out of my mind and learn learn. I wish I knew so much more than I do now. Life is such a wild, untamable, unpredictable mystery and it challenges us all to find a specific set of beliefs. I just want to learn, and use that knowledge to make as many people happy as possible.

Self-discovery is a road in itself.

Who am I?

Who are any of us?

Well... Who's to say?

Someday

When I'm older, I'll tell those young gypsies about warm nights on Telegraph, sweet treats, friends, lovers and the Rolling Stones. Can't you hear me knockin?

Literature of love

I often see myself as this woman. Simply enjoying the pleasures of life, and observing how others connect.

A smattering of thoughts on love:

When I was young, I used to slip into a dream like reverie, envisioning myself falling in love and getting swept off my feet, embarking on an endless journey of fascinating, challenging adventures with my man, saving the world with nothing but each other. Love burning with heat and passion of the sun. When things get hard and painful, the hurt would never matter because we would have each other and that would be enough.

As life has gone on, I have lost a lot of the faith I had when I was young. Faith in the church, faith that Harry Potter was real and that my letter would come by owl post calling me away to conquer the dark arts, faith in true flawless love.

I see examples of pure love in some others, but I see it quite rarely. I believe true love, with one's soulmate is an occasion that doesn't happen all too often.

Sometimes it feels like I am alone in a theatre, watching others relationships, watching others explore romantic connections, but never participating myself. I wonder if I will ever explore that realm of humanity.

The truth is, my emotions have just recently been reignited. I was blank and numb for so long. I couldn't feel anything strong with the exception of fear. Now things are changing. I have reawakened in the last year. My fear and paranoia has ceased or at the least, is ceasing. I am open to trying new things. To taking expeditions, to leave my shelter with no pretense of where I could end up. My lust for life has finally begun to return. What could have made this possible?

I feel the most deep and intense love when I'm reading. My vision of love was created by reading. I feel so closely connected to characters in books. I learned friendship, loyalty, compassion, strength, courage and a plethora of other lessons through reading. Most of my vocabulary is thanks to reading. My mother had a lot to do with it as well. Thank god for the written word. I encourage everyone to read. Everyday read. Literature is a blessing.

All faith is not lost. I am still open minded. To religion, to magic, to love. My re-ignition has caused me to take a closer look. You are beautiful. Life is beautiful.

Glamour

60's Glamour:

Face -

Basic corrective [Ben Nye]:

Foundation PK-1/PK-2

Highlighter CH-0

Shadow CS-3

Powder MP-1

Eye -

Inner line - Sephora - 03 Pure White

Outter line - Loreal - 108 Black

Brow Highlighter/Under eye highlighter - Benefit - Perfect 10

Brow -

Pencil [Ben Nye] EP-4

Cheek -

Benefit - Papa Don't Peach

Lips -

Foundation - PK-1

Powder residue +

Gloss - Smashbox - Clear

Drugstore glasses with DUO cement lash glue

YEAH STAGE MAKEUP

Beauteous and bohemian world.

The mountains today were as clear as my bay.

I could see each individual tree, and the shadows of them all.

I could see each individual speck of dirt.

I could reach out and touch and feel the mountain.

Grasping hold of it, clinging for dear life as it helped me ignite.

The view was breathtaking and unreal. Surreal. Impossible.

Pristine. The definition of clarity and perfection.

Beauty in it's raw and original form.

Every day I seem to make, more love for these mountains.

They help me to create, to initiate.

To introduce.

To make the juice, flow.

It used to be the water.

The sparkle of the sun resonating in my soul,

reflecting off the ocean.

Sand and coast.

Bridges and ferries.

Canyons of skyscrapers.

Large gray towers of business.

Large gray construction sites.

Large gray attitudes.

Beautiful in it's element.

And beauty could always be found with in the large gray everything

And surrounding the large gray everything.

I loved and love the large gray everything.

But now I know there's more.

Red rock canyons.

Crisp, clean air.

Splendid raucous waterfalls

Serene streams.

Sun and

clarity, clarity, clarity.

The scent of barbecue, and

Rich cabernet sauvignon, and

the late midnight breeze as I sit on the balcony.

Small, soft white lights

The sound of a drum, of a guitar, of beautiful voice and song.

Velvety, etherial, depth awakens with these triggers.

Praising the universe for my never ending

blessings.

For the people.

The places.

For the education.

For the recreation.

The relaxation.

And the love.

Things I'm going to teach my children.

Buy local. Buy organic. Ride your bike. Walk. Listen to The Beatles, Sublime, Nirvana, Blink 182. Try to see the world from someone else's perspective. Try to see the world from ANY different perspective. Pay close attention to the sounds that surround you. Pay close attention to the scents that surround you. Be aware of your surroundings in general. Don't wear a bra everyday. Read things that challenge you. Watch things that challenge you. Love thy neighbor. Love one another. Choose the right. Feel the sun on your face. Enjoy the breeze across your cheek. Enjoy the simple things. Pretend you're living in a different era, a different decade, a different generation. Get lost in a story. Make eye contact with others. Smile at people. Try to connect to those you come across in life. Stand up for what you believe in. Imagine a world where everyone is at peace. Love John and Yoko. Never lose faith in your dreams. Love unconditionally. Don't regret falling in love. Put one hundred percent of yourself in to the music you love, in to the movies you love, and in to the craft that you love. Don't be afraid to go after what ever it is you want to achieve, no matter when you decide you want it. Don't preach (haha). Feel remorse. Feel pain, channel it towards something positive. Fall in love. Take pictures. Listen to Regina Spektor. Travel the world. Help others. Notice when people need help and take action. Learn by watching others. Let others inspire you. Go hiking. Make spontaneous decisions. Listen to your intuition. Believe.

Exhaustion in all forms takes its toll

Sometimes, when I hear the wind howl,

It feels like it's blowing right through me.

Swooping and swooshing inside and out,

Through the intricate curves of my body,

Through the winding trail of my conscience.

There's nothing there to collide,

Nothing to block the icy draft.

No substance to act as a barrier,

Against the tossing tempest.

Innards sculpted into a howling tunnel,

A disposition of emptiness.

Where has the passion gone?